January 4, 2013

a lesson to understand #2012

When I was in High School, I lived alone in Makassar in a count-as-big-house for the only me stayed there. Also, my mom facilitated me with a car to go anywhere and a housekeeper to help me doing home-works. The not-so-far distance between Palu (where my mom lives) and Makassar made my mom and grandpa often visiting me and of course they would give me extra money before they went back to Palu. Instantly, that time my life was super easy. The very good condition in every single side of my life (academic, organisation, social) completed my joyfulness in high school period and made me never missed my family. A friend once said that when you get so much happiness, you won't miss anybody. 

That's true, and all that happiness precisely made me cruel as a daughter. I often forgot to reply my mom's message or reply it but in a very short words. I was lazy picking up my phone when my mom's calling, because I didn't want to hear about her loneliness, her day, her work, and so on. I never called her first except I needed her money. When she shared about her feelings, that she felt lonely and how much she missed her children, I judged her as a spoiled person. In my mind, she's not supposed to lean on her children, because she's a mother. When she told that being a single parent is not that easy and ask her children to understand her, I will answer in my heart "how could you said that, hey! not the only you who lost your husband, your children also lost their dad". A thought even once popped in my mind that I want my mom to marry again so that she won't demand more attention from her children anymore.

Entered university in the middle of 2011, my life totally changed. I moved to Depok and got no facilities as what I got in Makassar (actually my mom wanted me staying in Makassar and continued my study in medical, but that's not what I want, after some debates with her, she finally let me get what I want). No car, no big house, no often-visit, no extra money, no popularity (you can  take your vomit-plastic), nothing. In the beginning, I was ok with that, because of the euphoria entering my dream university, but lately I felt pity on my self. When the situation was going that way, I started feeling the massive loneliness entering my soul and became a melancholy one for a while. But since that, I've known how hard being this alone, with the hardness of life that everything didn't going that smooth, and that's learned me to understand.

To understand the loneliness that my mom's often told me, to understand if she a little bit demand for attention, to understand why she always message me just to know what am I doing, why she's calling me in random time just to tell something that actually not that important, why she often get jealous when I seems to be so into my friends, that's because she's that lonely and her life is hard and all she have to share is her children. What's sucker than being alone in a small town, work from morning to night to get money not for your own happiness but for your children who -one of them- never calling you except in the beginning of month just in order to ask for money?

Well, my life in 2012 mostly not as happy as 2011, but then has opened my eyes about a lesson that to walk out of your comfort-zone is to make you learn and more understand about things you probably never thought before. And now on, I'm sitting in front of my computer writing this stuff, I'm missing my family so much, and utterly have that guilty feeling in my heart that I had ever been that cruel. Again, life has led me growing up as a person and that's so meaningful for me. Thanks
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